


A Smashing Winter Adventure from the Dark Side

by Apollonia_Deserved_Better



Category: Austin Powers (Movies), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Crossover, False Identity, Funny, Gen, Sith, The Dark Side of the Force, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 04:27:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14762591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apollonia_Deserved_Better/pseuds/Apollonia_Deserved_Better
Summary: The crossover no one asked for and no one wanted. Hopefully the tags don't give away too many spoilers. This is a work for those who love Star Wars, Austin Powers, and very small dogs.





	1. Captured!

It was a wonderful winter’s morning. My mother, father, and brother were out shopping. I had decided not to go. I just wanted to write my novel and speak to my theatre friends via Google Hangouts, which mostly meant surfing the net, procrastinating writing, and spamming the chat with memes.

I sat in my room, alone, writing a scene where one of my characters was dancing with another one of my characters. Dignan, my vicious yet irresistibly adorable Yorkshire Terrier/Shih Tzu mix, came in and sat next to me. He's all small and fluffy, like a tiny Chewbacca. Eventually, he fell asleep. I became enamored in the story and had almost drowned myself inside its murky depths when I heard a strange noise. It was a zooming, whirring sound. Dignan woke up and started to bark.

“No!” I yelled, giving him a gentle slap. He looked up at me with his innocent puppy eyes, growling again. “No, stupid! Shut up!”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of black outside my bedroom window. What could it be? I wondered briefly if I had a stalker, but came to the conclusion that my neighbor was just wearing a black coat that day. Then I heard the familiar squeak and slam of the white door that led to the porch. That was peculiar--Mom and everyone had only been gone for around ten minutes. I froze instantly. This was not my neighbor. This was a burglar.

What would I do? In the heat of the moment, I messaged my friends.

“Someone’s in the house!” I exclaimed.

“What?” asked Greg.

“Someone is in the house with me and it’s not Mom!” I typed frantically.

“Call the police,” Greg replied.

“I don’t have a phone. Do the police have an e-mail address?”

“Uh...I don’t think so.”

I heard footsteps getting closer. My heart went all  _Tell-Tale_ on me and I could barely breathe. Dignan pitter-pattered out of the room as I tugged the giant box of Barbie dolls out from under my bed, squirmed in its place, and tugged the box back so I was hidden from view. It was a tight space there, and I was breathing hard.

The footsteps got closer and my heartbeat quickened. Through the little slit between the box and the bottom of the bed I saw a pair of black legs clad in shining metal. Heavy breathing echoed from the air above, sending a shiver down my spine. Two more shiny white legs marched into the room and a robotic voice spoke.

“No sign of anyone, sir.”

The black one breathed, then said in a deep, echoey, breathy reprimand, “If this is a command ship, then where is the ambassador?”

“I have no idea, sir,” said the white man.

“Wait.” There was a pause. I was worried I would have a panic attack. “I sense something--”

There was some rustling, then a great big  _ fwoosh _ and a flash of red light illuminated the room accompanied by a low buzz. Dignan arrived with his ears tucked back, prancing and jumping around the man in black and jiggling his little butt black and forth.

“What  _ is _ this?” the man asked.

“I have no idea sir, but it’s quite adorable.”

“I feel intense happiness when I gaze upon it. Take it to the ship.”

The white man picked up poor Dignan and carried him out of the room. I was completely frozen and filled with feelings of intense regret. Even more so when my tablet screeched  _ ding _ because one of my friends decided to hangout me at this incredibly inconvenient time.

“What a peculiar noise.” The man picked up the tablet curiously. “Who is 'Noah'?”

“Dang it!” I whispered stupidly. Just seconds later, the case full of Barbie dolls was out from under the bed and so was I.

The man in black wore an eerily familiar mask. Too familiar. It took all my courage, but I finally sputtered out, “Wait, are you...D-D-Darth Vader?”

“Yes,” he answered. “I am alive.”

We stared at each other for a few moments, he with his bright red lightsaber just inches away from my chest. In terrible fear I decided to use my mystical “fangirl tactics” against him.

“Vader!” I exclaimed shakily. “I am such a huge fan! When you came onto Leia’s ship in Episode IV--oh, and when you were all like, ‘Luke, I am your father’...I can’t believe you’re real! My dreams have literally just come true!”

He stared at me expressionlessly (probably because he was wearing a mask). “The force is strong with this one.”

I stared at him, mystified. Did he just tell me I’m a Jedi? Considering some of the stuff I’ve done, I assumed he was joking.

Two stormtroopers came into the room. Vader glanced at me and muttered, “Take her to the ship. I want her in a detention block before we leave.”

I didn’t know what a detention block was, but it didn’t sound good. The stormtroopers picked me up and escorted me to Darth Vader’s ship, which had landed in my yard, towering over and nearly crushing my extremely small house. The snow was piled up higher than my head; I was surprised that I hadn’t noticed it while I was conversing with my theatre friends. I noticed the ship was right where my little stub of a snowman was, which was rather disheartening considering how much I'd worked on it. I was led through the incredibly awe-inspiring ship to a cell just like the one Leia had slept in during  _ A New Hope _ . The stormtroopers shoved me inside and closed the door violently, leaving me alone inside. Either this was real, I was going insane, or there were strange hallucinogenic chemicals emitting from our furnace. Or possibly all three.

I curled up into a ball and laid there, trying to think happy things. What was going to happen at the end of my latest novel? My beautiful little characters would get together, of course. Was I ever going to write a sequel to my Ansel Elgort fanfiction? Yes, definitely. Would it include  _Weird Science-_ era Robert Downey, Jr. transported through time? Heck yeah.

I checked my watch every thirty seconds over the course of the next few hours. What were they making me wait for?

Suddenly the doors moved open and Darth Vader arrived, backed up by a flurry of stormtroopers.

“What is your name, young one?” he asked.

I don’t know why, but I told him my childhood nickname, “Emma Lulu.”

“Emma,” he answered. “I am Darth Vader the Sith Lord. I have sensed that the power of the Force flows through your veins. Become my apprentice and join the Dark Side!”

I stared at him, wide-eyed. This was something I would have to contemplate for a very long time. Weeks, maybe. My life would change forever after this moment. I might never see my family again. I might even have to kill a member of my family, abandon everything I love for power and control of the greatest Empire in the galaxy.

Oh, screw it.  “Yes!”

“Good!” The stormtroopers lifted me up. “Now, Emma, would you like a tour of the Executor?”

“Yes, please!” I shook off the arms of the stormtroopers and followed Darth Vader throughout the ship. The tour was very interesting and filled me with a sense of exhilaration.

“Now,” said Darth Vader after about an hour. We were about to enter what I assumed was my new bedroom. “You are about to meet my new commander. Be careful: he is not as forgiving as I am.”

“What’s his name?” I asked.

“His name is…” Vader paused for effect. “...Thunderbolt of Devastation!”

When the doors slid open, I gazed in confusion at the familiar figure who sat in the black swivel chair before me dressed in a small black cloak and steampunk goggles.

“Dignan?”

He leapt off the chair and came up to me with his ears back, prancing up and asking to play.

“Dignan! My little stupid idiot! You’re alive!”

I must have received some strange looks as I knelt down to pet him and picked him up.

“What are you doing to the commander, Emma?” asked Vader.

“This is my Yorkie, Dignan. He’s my pet. Sort of like...a tauntaun, except less useful. _Way_ less useful.”

“Fine. If you adore him so much then you can carry him around with you. We don’t like him roaming around the ship--a few minutes ago he started chewing on my helmet and viciously attacked me when I tried to take it away from him.”

“Yes, that’s definitely something he would do.”

When Darth Vader turned to finish the tour, I noticed he had bite marks on the long part of his helmet and tried to thwart a laugh.

“Now, remember, Emma. Since you have joined the Dark Side you have an opportunity to get a new name. I have been thinking and have decided on Darth Malical.”

“Cool!” I tried out the name in my mind. “Yeah, that fits. I like it.”

“Good.” We arrived in the same room where Leia watched Alderaan blow up. “I am quite pleased that you have decided to join me, Darth Malical. The Empire has weakened in the past thirty years and has been replaced by the sucky and pathetic First Order.”

“Yeah, I know. Kylo Ren totally worships you, dude. You know that, right?”

“Kylo Ren is a wet sock.”

“He looks like my friend Julian.”

“He reminds a lot of people of a lot of people.” Vader paused. “Anyway, I have decided to work with the Resistance to defeat these idiots, but in order to do that I will need to find the one they call Rey.”

“Rey!” I exclaimed, my heart beginning to explode with happiness. I was finally going to meet my favorite movie character ever. Wait...something wasn’t right. “But aren’t you supposed to be with the First Order since you’re a Sith Lord and whatnot? What about my apprenticeship? I want to be a Sith Lord, not a good guy!”

His gloves tightened into fists and he gazed out the window at the dark, empty galaxy. “The dark and light sides both flow through my veins, but after what I have done, I cannot wholly affiliate myself with either one of them.”

I pondered this. It made sense. Vader had killed millions of Jedi  _ and _ destroyed the Empire. Neither side would accept him back after these misdemeanors. “Then why do you keep talking about the Dark Side?”

“It’s my cover. Now, Rey is on the same planet where my son, Luke, is hiding. At first I thought it to be on your planet, Earth, but then I hacked into R2-D2’s files and discovered this.”

Up popped the map from The Force Awakens. “You hacked into R2? But he’s with the Resistance right now!”

“Yes, he is, along with one of my own droids, SD-27. The droid was able to hack into R2 and get the map to my son.”

“Pretty impressive.” I moved closer to look at the planets. “Hey, I think I know a few of these. They’re in my solar system.”

“Yes, Luke and Rey are only a few miles away. We must hurry, or else we could lose them.”

“Onward, soldiers!” I boomed. “Never underestimate the power of the Dark Side.”

“That’s my line.”

“Sorry.”


	2. Freed!

The journey was long, but finally we reached the planet where Luke and Rey were hiding. It was eerie seeing it in real life, especially since I had assumed when first seeing  _The Force Awakens_ that it was CGI. We landed the Executor on a mountain a few miles away from the stairs. I offered to walk up the stairs and find Luke and Rey for Vader, since he was probably a really old man under that suit, not fit for long, tedious walks. Of course, I could hardly handle it myself, for the trek must have been at least thirty miles. After a few hours, I finally reached the top of the stairs and found the edge of the cliff.

They were nowhere to be seen.

I searched everywhere. No lightsabers, no staffs, no footprints. We were too late. I sat down on the rock in defeat. My dreams were crushed. All I wanted was to be a Sith Lord, but I didn't fit the bill. I disgraced the title of Darth Malical.

“What are you doing?” said a gruff voice.

I turned to see him. Luke, with his mountain man beard and Obi-Wan-style robe. I was frozen in awe, unable to speak.

“You’re here for a reason,” he continued. I nodded. “Is it for the girl?”

I nodded again.

“She’s right here.”

Rey came out from behind him, holding her staff and wearing the same clothes she was at the end of the seventh movie. She looked at me expectantly, so I shakily stood.

“My name is Emma,” I said as calmly as I could. “I am here to tell you that Darth Vader is alive and wants to help you fight the First Order.”

Luke stared at me in shock. Rey frowned. “Darth Vader?”

“Yes.”

She moved closer, only making me more awe-inspired. “That’s impossible.”

“His body was burned,” Luke added.

“Oh, yeah...I forgot about that,” I realized.

“You’re working with an imposter.”

“No…” I defended. “He’s genuine.”

“You’re in grave danger,” Rey warned. “He’s playing you.”

“He wouldn’t!”

Rey pointed to Luke. “You’re defending the metal idiot who cut off his hand!”

“Vader was far from an idiot, Rey.”

I stared at them in silence. These were the two most powerful people in the universe and I was disagreeing with them. “You guys are probably right.”

Then something came to me. “Dignan!” I cried. “He’s in danger! We have to go back!”

“Who’s Dignan?” asked Rey.

“My little stupid idiot!” I pushed past them and ran down the stairs. Rey followed.

“Wait! Stop! It’s too dangerous!”

“I don’t care! I must save Dignan!”

I almost tripped at one point, but she grabbed my hand and pulled me back. “Does this ‘Dignan’ really mean that much to you?”

“Yes!”

She rolled her eyes and kneeled down. “Get on.”

“Are you giving me a piggyback ride?”

“Yes.”

“I’m really heavy, you know.”

“Nothing I can’t handle.”

“Fine.” I slid onto her back and Rey grunted as she lifted me. “This is awkward.”

“You have no idea.”

She ran fast, so we made it to the bottom of the stairs quickly. Vader was waiting for us at the bottom, backed up by a  _ lot _ of stormtroopers.

“You must be the one they call Rey,” he said.

She set me down carelessly and I landed flat on my bottom. I gasped a little as she drew her lightsaber.

“That’s how this is going to go? Well, in that case…” Vader drew his own lightsaber in response.

I had to think fast. If my dad’s theory was right, Darth Vader was Rey’s grandfather. However, this probably wasn’t Darth Vader. For some reason I started thinking about  _ The Ransom of Red Chief _ movie that I'd watched in English class, and an idea popped into my head.

I ripped out my hair tie and slingshotted it into Vader’s face.

He cried out and turned to me. “Never underestimate the power of the Dark Side, Malical.”

I stood up, my long hair flowing in the wind, and picked up a handful of rubble from the ground. I began pelting him furiously with the tiny bits of rock, and soon his lightsaber fell from his hand. I threw the last of the stones at him and dove for it. Unfortunately, it was difficult to find the “on” button.

“How do you work this thing?” I screamed.

“Use the Force!” exclaimed Luke, who had just arrived at the scene.

“I don’t have it!”

“Yes, you do!”

Rey moved closer to Vader, who had tripped over a rock and sprained his ankle. Her lightsaber was at the ready.

“Rey, no!”

With an annoyed glance in my general direction, Rey turned off the lightsaber and leaned down to rip off Vader’s helmet. Underneath was a pasty bald head.

“Who are you?” Rey interrogated.

“I’m Darth Vader, the Sith Lord.”

“You’re a liar.”

I ran over and took off the face of the helmet to reveal another one of my favorite faces...

Dr. Evil from  _ Austin Powers _ .

“Hey!”

“Get your stinking paws off my helmet,” he said in his Belgian accent. "You frigging ape."

“What are you doing here?” I asked. “You’re in the wrong universe!”

“My universe is dumb!” he spat. “Ever since I figured out Austin Powers was my brother, I discovered there was no competition. You know James Bond?” I nodded. “I drowned him in my pool of sea bass with lasers attached to their heads. It was almost too easy.”

“What did Austin have to say about that?” I asked.

“Nothing. I killed him a few weeks ago when I accidentally left the oven on.”

“No!” I cried. “Your own brother! How could you?”

“I didn’t like his teeth.”

“You’re not Darth Vader,” said Rey stupidly.

“No, I’m Dr. Evil. I was raised in Belgium by a--”

“Why are you posing as Vader?” I asked.

“I thought it would be fun. Stormtroopers, spaceships, an entire Empire--all I had to do to achieve absolute power was kick out the First Order and recruit a new accomplice. Since you have impersonated Dr. Evil more often than anyone else in the entire universe, I figured you would be the perfect candidate.”

“This is absurd,” mumbled Rey.

“Wait!” said a stormtrooper suddenly. He marched over and ripped off his helmet.

“It is I, Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery.”

“Yay!” I exclaimed.

“Dr. Evil, you’re under arrest for theft, illegal immigration across franchises, and failure to surf.”

Two stormtroopers lifted up Dr. Evil and took him back onto the Executor. I laughed as he protested. Austin walked up to us and flashed a bucktoothed smile.

“You saved us!” said Rey.

“Yeah, baby, yeah.” He crept a little closer to her. “What do you say we meet up sometime--”

“No.”

“Have you seen a small Yorkshih dressed in black?” I asked.

“I can’t say that I have,” answered Austin.

Suddenly Dignan pranced out of the Executor and into my awaiting arms.

“Dignan!” I picked him up and coddled him in an explosion of love.

“Why don’t you take them home?” Rey suggested.

“Alright, I will. See you later, baby.”

I waved goodbye to Rey and Luke (who had been doing absolutely nothing this whole time) and followed Austin Powers into Darth Vader’s spaceship.

My two favorite franchises had just come together in the best adventure of my life.

It was truly a wonderful winter morning.

 


End file.
